Speaker 1: 0:07

Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion, the podcast designed to inspire your greatness and thrive through life. Get ready to conquer your fears. Here's your host psychotherapist, coach and empowerment expert, beverly Glaser psychotherapist, coach and empowerment expert, beverly Glaser.

Beverley Glazer: 0:33

What if you were living your life for 60 years only to find out that the life that you were living was not aligned with who you were meant to be? Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion. I'm Beverly Glaser and I help women to overcome challenges in their business, their family, their relationships and sometimes even addictions, and you can find me on reinventimpossiblecom. So today I want you to meet Debbie Weiss. Debbie is a best-selling author, a success trainer, an entrepreneur and an expert in chasing her dreams in spite of her circumstances, and she has a passion to help other people do the exact same thing. So let's dive right into her story. Welcome, debbie.

Debbie Weis: 1:23

Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here.

Beverley Glazer: 1:26

It's a pleasure and you have many stories.

Debbie Weis: 1:30

I do.

Beverley Glazer: 1:32

The first one starts when you were just really young. You call yourself the family caregiver and you had two parents. So why were you the family caregiver?

Debbie Weis: 1:47

Well, it was the day after I graduated high school. I was 17 years old and my dad had a massive stroke. He survived, thankfully, but he then became permanently disabled for the rest of his life. He was only 46 years old. My parents they were married at the time that he had the stroke. However, they had had some marital difficulties several years earlier and, you know, looking back now at the age I am now, my mom was only 39 years old and she made the decision to get divorced. And she made the decision to get divorced and you know, certainly she was not, I know, thinking that she was going to now cause me to step into this role, because who knew what it was going to look like. But that's how I became my dad's caregiver for the next 30 years that he lived.

Beverley Glazer: 2:43

My goodness, and that was challenging in its own right. But you had to also get on with your life. You went to school, you did what everybody else had to do. You eventually got married and you had a child, and that child was on the spectrum, the autism spectrum.

Debbie Weis: 3:08

Yes, my oldest child. I actually have two sons. My oldest child was diagnosed at two on the autism spectrum and that takes parenthood and caregiving. It's a whole other level and a whole other ballgame.

Beverley Glazer: 3:28

And your dad was probably still alive too at the time, absolutely.

Debbie Weis: 3:32

And as he was getting older then he started to have some health challenges and his money situation changed as his disability ran out and whatnot and money was an issue. So I had to move him to different facilities based on his income. So that was all kind of happening culminating at the same time and it was all on your shoulders. Yes, I have a younger brother, but he does not live close by and quite honestly, I mean he's four years younger. He was only 13 when my father had the stroke, you know kind of eight years old or nine years old when my parents were separated. He just didn't have that same connection to my father that I did and you know, the distance made it impossible, so it was all me.

Beverley Glazer: 4:27

Sure, and there's also an expectation that you're the girl. Oh yeah, yeah, and you know, and you're the oldest, and so you had to step up to the plate. And now you're torn at both sides, and were you working at the time as?

Debbie Weis: 4:41

well, oh, absolutely. I mean, I had no choice. I've been working since I graduated from college. So at that point, when I had my kids, I was about I don't know maybe seven years into having my own small insurance agency.

Beverley Glazer: 4:59

Okay, so I can see pressure, pressure, pressure everywhere, you church.

Debbie Weis: 5:06

Absolutely Everywhere.

Beverley Glazer: 5:10

And then, as if it wasn't bad enough or difficult enough, your husband had both physical problems and emotional mental problems as well.

Debbie Weis: 5:22

Yes, and my husband and I work together. Oh so not only did it affect our home life and our marriage and our family, but it did also affect my business, and so that made it very, very, very difficult, I would say, the last 15 years of my husband's life. He was just in a slow decline that really sped up the last five years of his life, and one day he just walked out of the office and said I can never come back. And he left stacks of papers of. I didn't know what to do. Did you call these people? What do I need to do? And he couldn't tell me, he didn't want to tell me. I said you don't have to physically come back to the office. I'll bring the piles home. Nope, nothing. He just had checked out.

Beverley Glazer: 6:17

And he never came back.

Debbie Weis: 6:19

Not to the office.

Beverley Glazer: 6:20

no, Okay, so here you are torn in every which way I cannot imagine. And did you have any support at all? How did you handle this?

Debbie Weis: 6:32

Well, luckily I have a small group of amazing friends and family who were always there to support me. By the time my husband walked out of the office, my dad had passed away, so I, you know, no longer had that responsibility. But you know, it was looking back. I honestly don't know how I survived and just physically, I can think of times after like a really intense, stressful period, like more intense than even the intensity I was going through. I would then have something physical show up. My eye would be twitching, I would have heart palpitations, but luckily it never went any further than that, but I just felt like a ticking time bomb.

Beverley Glazer: 7:24

Yes, oh yes. And he must have felt resentment. I mean, why you? Why, what did you do wrong?

Debbie Weis: 7:32

You know, that's exactly what I was thinking Exactly and I couldn't figure it out. I'm a good person. Why me? I'm looking at, you know, my friends and my family around me, not even on social media. You know people, I knew what their lives were and of course, we all have struggles. But even my friends would say what do you have like this little black cloud that's over your head every day that I talk to you, there's some other you know thing that happens. It's like how is everything? And if I said good, they said good, you're calm. They couldn't believe it. So you know, yes, I, I did. I lived my life being angry and resent. You know, I resented my father, even though clearly he did not choose to be in this position and rationally I knew that, but the resentment was still there. I resented my brother for not taking a more active role and I resented my mother for putting me in this position in the first place. So, yeah, I have had to work through all of those feelings.

Beverley Glazer: 8:38

And then you became a widow, your husband died Right, and so what went on in your mind right now? I mean, it might've been on some level, even a relief, and then you feel guilt. That goes along with that as well.

Debbie Weis: 8:57

Absolutely.

Debbie Weis: 8:59

You know, Yep, um, uh, out of the blue, my husband was diagnosed with blood cancer, which for him was incurable, and this was separate from all of the other physical illnesses that he had been dealing with over the years. They were unrelated, so it just seemed crazy. The other thing was is that six weeks prior he had been hospitalized for depression and anxiety and he came out of that hospitalization like really with a new lease on life and this really upbeat, positive attitude and he was someone who didn't believe in therapy and all of a sudden he was like the star of his therapy groups that he was on every day, he loved it and we were all so hopeful for the first time in so many years. And then six weeks later he gets this diagnosis. I mean it was just the cruelest thing ever to us, but certainly to him, and so he lived for six months from the day of that diagnosis. So he lived for six months from the day of that diagnosis. But honestly, the mental illness part was the hardest part by far for all of us to deal with. It really intensified and it just it was rough and, yes, certainly when he passed away, I have to be honest, it was a huge sense of relief because I had really been under. You know, he was kind of like verbally abusive to me at that point and he was stubborn as anything and but the minute that he died, just like anything, I wished he was back. So, yes, I feel guilt for feeling relief I still sometimes. It will be two years, on December 30th of 24, and I can't believe it and I can't believe it, but I'm now. You know.

Debbie Weis: 11:09

The thing is is that even before he died I did not have a partner, right, so it was that anticipatory grief. I was grieving him actually years prior, because for years he wouldn't go out and socialize, we couldn't travel, we did nothing as a couple and there I was always alone. But yet he was there, right, he was still there, even, depending on his mood, somebody I could still talk to, somebody I knew was still just there, just literally physically there. Just to say, you know, three weeks after he died, all of a sudden water starts coming out of, like underneath my kitchen sink. I could have at least said what do I do? Because I don't know those kinds of things, or I didn't know those kinds of things, and it's just. It's just a a very different feeling and very lonely, even though I had already felt loneliness when he was alive.

Beverley Glazer: 12:18

Anyone listening to this podcast. I hope you're all feeling blessed, because this journey keeps on going on and on, and now there is a turning point in your life. It's a huge turning point. And what happened next? What happened when you?

Debbie Weis: 12:35

reached 61? Well, I'm not got a few more weeks to 61, but prior, prior, around, after I turned 50, I I really started reevaluating my life and where I was. And I think something for me about the number 50 was like, you know, that mortality realization Wow, what have I accomplished in the last 50 years? And I didn't have something specific right, I wasn't an artist or something that I always had a passion for. I had nothing. It wasn't like that. It was just that idea of thinking look, I've given my life to everyone else I'm not saying that I would not do that again, but I deserve to also have the life that I want to live.

Debbie Weis: 13:26

And so at that point I kind of really started taking a hard look at my own attitude. You know my attitude of feeling like I'm a victim of my circumstances and that I had no choice. I did have a choice, and I do have a choice, and we all do of how we respond to those circumstances. And once I realized that, then I started really changing my life, one day at a time. So I've been on that journey. I was on that journey when I became a widow, and this is just, you know, it's just added another layer to get through.

Beverley Glazer: 14:08

But it's more than that. You changed your mindset. Yes, you completely stopped feeling like a victim. This was bad, it happened, and I have a choice. I could be a grieving widow and worry and be grieving for the rest of my life because I still have a child on the spectrum. You could start looking at the negative and staying in the negative, or I could say I am going to start living my life. It's not over until it's over, and you chose to do that. How did you navigate all the fears and limiting beliefs that you may have had? Because you completely changed your life. You did. You're an author, you're a speaker. You never did that. How did you do that?

Debbie Weis: 15:00

Really, one small step at a time. It all started when so I've always had a lifelong weight struggle, from literally the time I was born, from literally the time I was born, and for those who've been in that position, it's been that yo-yoing thing and I said to myself you know what? I have to take control of this If I want to live, to see my children grow up, hopefully see my grandchildren one day. I also felt like a victim with my weight. Why me? You know, especially as a young girl, why me? I look at my friends. They're eating this and that and the other thing, you know, and they look like that and I look like this, like it's not fair. So I always had that attitude and what happened was I decided to go back to Weight Watchers for the umpteenth time and this time I decided, instead of putting that pressure on myself of I have to lose 25 pounds in three months, otherwise I'm a failure or I'm good, I'm bad, I'm on, I'm off that perfectionist mindset, I said, nope, I'm going to go to Weight Watchers and I'm just going to attend the meeting each week. I don't care if I lose weight, I don't care what I eat, nothing else. This is my goal and that's what I did for a couple of months and I did not lose weight. But once I had that habit down, I added something else, small, and I just did that step by step.

Debbie Weis: 16:36

At the time when I started I had to lose about a hundred pounds and I think it took me maybe three, three and a half years to lose 90. And I had realized this is not a diet, this is a lifestyle, which now everybody uses that word, but when I was doing this it wasn't as common because it was all the mindset of you're not on a diet, off a diet. This is a permanent change and it doesn't mean that you can never have pizza and you can never eat ice cream and all of those things. It's just looking at it at a different way. And even though you know I still struggle, you know I gained back 10 or 15 pounds, I lost it.

Debbie Weis: 17:23

I lost a little more all of that. But it's the first time now it's about eight years. It's the first time in my whole entire life that I've ever been able to basically maintain that loss and not have that anxiety over everything I put in my mouth and nothing changed outside of me. Right, weight watchers didn't change. They make little tweaks, but it didn't change. What changed was the way my thinking was and how I was approaching it, and when I saw my success there it was kind of like oh well, maybe I can, you know, take that mindset and move it to a different, you know, area of my life where I felt like I needed some improvement of my life, where I felt like I needed some improvement.

Beverley Glazer: 18:12

Exactly, exactly. It's all about mindset. It's all about how you think, not what you should do. Everybody knows I should lose weight and I can go to Weight Watchers, which is exactly what you did, but you have to own it, that this is a change and I have to learn to love it and I can make tweaks to it. Doesn't have to work 100% all the time. In other words, we're human, we make mistakes, and you started owning your life and owning your weight and taking responsibility for who you are and writing books, and you never even intended on be a writer. Tell me about that.

Debbie Weis: 18:56

No, not in a million years, I would say. I would say I'm a numbers girl. I went to school to be an accountant. I'm a CPA. I did that for 10 years until I got this opportunity to open up my own insurance agency. But you know, I'm dealing with numbers all day. This is my sweet spot. Never had any interest in writing. I think it's like over 80% of the population wishes they could write a book. Well, I was the 20% who had no interest.

Debbie Weis: 19:26

And when things just kind of started evolving for me and when I realized, hey, I can let other people know, you know, if I did it, you can do it. And I know that other people say that, but I feel like I'm a regular person just like you, going through those struggles. I know what it's like to tell yourself all those excuses I don't have time. People don't understand. This is my situation. No, it doesn't matter, none of it matters. It's all in your head and all the way that you approach things. And so when looking to see how do I get that message out there, I had people around me who kept saying a book, a book, a book, and I kept saying ha, ha, no. And one day I heard a woman on a podcast who helped first time authors get their stories out there, and it was a podcast I wasn't a regular listener of and I thought she is. She is there, she is meant to be out there and I'm meant to be listening because this is meant to be. And if I am really going to do this which I still didn't believe I could I need help. And so I connected with her and she was starting a course, a 12-week course for first-time authors to help them, you know, get started with their manuscript.

Debbie Weis: 20:50

And then my husband was diagnosed and I was seeing a therapist at the time and I said to her I'm so embarrassed that I'm even still considering joining this course now that Gary has been diagnosed with MDS. And my therapist said well, I disagree with you. And my therapist said well, I disagree with you. I think this is the perfect time for you to embark on this journey, because you're going to need something separate from the situation that is and will be going on. And, being kind of like the conscientious student, I said, well, what if there's assignments and I can't do them because of the situation, or I can't attend the Zoom every week? And she said who cares? Oh, okay, I guess. So I guess it's a pretty good excuse.

Debbie Weis: 21:42

And I I once I got started and kind of got excited and and kind of wrapped my head around the structure and how I was to do it I made sure that every day I set aside a time to write, whether it was six in the morning before my husband woke up, whether my husband was in the hospital and I dragged my laptop and all my stuff and I set up shop there, and when he slept in the hospital I wrote, and when he died I was three chapters shy of finishing.

Debbie Weis: 22:21

So after the funeral and everybody went back to their regular lives, I think I had about 10 days to get to the original due date that it was due for the editor to look at. And of course, they were going to extend the due date and I said, you know what? No, I'm going to do it because this is a super hard time after a loved one passes away and everybody goes back to real life, except you're left with this new reality. And you know it helped me get through that time as well and it helped me really get through from that moment until it was published. It was about seven months and it was an excitement um and something new to learn and to focus on in this, you know, new position as a widow.

Beverley Glazer: 23:09

How did your writing transform you?

Debbie Weis: 23:15

well one. It made me realize that I have been limiting myself. If you ask me, I'll tell everybody I'm not creative, I don't have a creative bone in my body. I can't do art, I can't do crafts, I don't do this. This was my mantra. This is what I just keeps coming out of my mouth for 50 something years and all of a sudden, through this whole writing process, it's like I don't know someone just opened up the jar right or Pandora's box. All of a sudden, I have all these ideas popping. I want to do this, I want to make this Like, who is this person? And I've discovered I mean at 60, I've discovered there's so much more to me that I I had no idea existed. And it's so exciting. Honestly it's. It's crazy, but it's amazing but it's amazing, so awesome.

Beverley Glazer: 24:24

What advice would you give to women in their 50s and 60s and 70s and 80s who are still struggling, even going 90s? I mean, you're not dead yet. What advice would you tell them about their self-doubt and finding a purpose? What would you tell them about their self-doubt and finding the purpose?

Debbie Weis: 24:36

what would you tell them? I would tell them. It's never too late. You have to stop. You have to be honest with yourself and realize what have you been telling yourself? What do you continue to say no to? What are you going to be taking your last breath and saying I wish I had at least given this a try and do that thing?

Beverley Glazer: 25:08

Well said, very well said. Thank you, debbie. Debbie is a best-selling author, a certified success coach, an entrepreneur and an expert in chasing her dreams in spite of her circumstances, and she has a passion to help others achieve that as well. And so where can people find you, debbie?

Debbie Weis: 25:31

My website is the best place. It's debbierweisscom. If you don't put in the R, you get a realtor in California, so you need the R.

Beverley Glazer: 25:41

And all these links, that one, and wherever she is, it's going to be on my site too, and that's going to be reinventedpossiblecom. And now, my friends, what's next for you? Are you just going through the motions or are you really elevating your life? Get my empowering self-coaching tips right there in your inbox weekly, and that link is also going to be in the show notes as well. You can connect with me, beverly Glazer, on all social media platforms and in my positive group of women on Facebook. That's Women Over 50 Rock, and I want to thank you for listening. Have you enjoyed this conversation? Please join me next week, subscribe, drop us a review and send it to a friend, and remember you only have one life, so live it with purpose and with passion live it with purpose and with passion.

Speaker 1: 26:47

Thank you for joining us. You can connect with Bev on her website, reinventimpossiblecom and, while you're there, join our newsletter subscribe so you don't miss an episode. Until next time, keep aging with purpose and passion and celebrate life.