Announcer 0:01

Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion, the podcast designed to inspire your greatness and thrive through life. Get ready to conquer your fears. Here's your host, psychotherapist, coach, and empowerment expert, Beverly Glazer.

Early Life And Defying Roles

Beverley Glazer 0:19

Is 50 too old to be a mother? Is 80 too old to have a career? If you think your best years are behind you, you're about to realize you are very wrong. Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion. I'm Beverley Glazer, a transition coach and reinvention strategist for women over 50 to help you turn a lifetime of wisdom into your most powerful next act. And you can find me on reinventimpossible.com. These episodes share raw stories from women who refuse to shrink, fade, or settle for less. We don't sugarcoat our challenges here, we rise from them, and you will hear this really strong belief on how clear these women are, and you'll also see what you too can achieve. Women in midlife have been sold the same old story that after 50, the windows of opportunity keep closing. Well, Dr. Dorian Minzer didn't get that memo. At 50, she became a first-time mom. At 80, she is the leading expert on retirement, all while navigating her husband's memory decline. Life can be challenging, but her joy is infectious. If you've been feeling stuck or you're losing your spark, keep listening because this conversation is really for you. Dori, welcome. Thank you. It's so delightful to be here with you, Beverly. Delight to have you. Let's go back. What was it like for you, little girl Dory, growing up?

Dr Dorian Mintzer 2:07

Well, I moved a lot because of my dad's work. And um, when I was little, I was born right at the end of World War II. So I really became aware very early on about the isms in the world and antisemitism and transitions and things because I mean I didn't know what they all were at that time, but we moved a lot. Um, and I remember when you and I were talking at one point, preparing for this, I said that when I was when I was little and had no idea where babies came from, I just I wanted 119 children. I thought maybe babies were from kissing or some kind of thing like that. And 119 children. And I really was a product of, you know, women were supposed to just be the helpmate of their, you know, their husbands and um not necessarily have dreams of their own. And um I didn't quite buy into that.

Beverley Glazer 3:08

But you did want a large family, and I'm visualizing it. I told you that old woman in a shoe with all these children.

Announcer 3:17

She did not know what to do.

Near Death And New Vows

Beverley Glazer 3:20

For sure, for sure. And you had an incident in your 20s that changed your life. Um I did.

Dr Dorian Mintzer 3:27

I was whitewater rafting, and it was just after I had gotten my master's degree, and um, I got caught in a whirlpool, and I just was under more than up, right in front of a big rock. And I had a life vest on. Um, but you know, sort of as they say, my life truly did kind of go in front of me, and I just couldn't believe I was gonna have to die this way. And it I made some vows because a lot of things that I hadn't really dealt with, spoken about. Um, I just I wanted to live. And luckily for me, some strangers on the shore saw my plight and were able to get some luckily very experienced kayakers to come down. They were able to get and they were able to get me out. And it changed my life of just realizing life can change in a millisecond, and really how precious life is. And I it it set me on a trajectory of really to the best of my ability, not taking any day for granted and just saying, this is a life to be lived, and death makes it more the idea of death makes it more precious.

Infertility And Choosing Surrogacy

Beverley Glazer 4:43

Yeah, it certainly does. And then you got married, and did you want to start a family right away, or were you focused on your career? Where were you then?

Dr Dorian Mintzer 4:55

At that point, I I did get married. I've been married twice. I got married, I very much wanted kids, but I was in the process then of getting my my doctorate. Um, and so I wasn't, I didn't want to get pregnant right then. Um, and my then husband and I talked about having children. Um, and he initially wanted them, and then he didn't want them. And I really wanted them, and I just felt like um this was not going to be a marriage that was gonna work for me. And there were other issues in the marriage. At the end, he didn't want me to leave, and so he was willing to have children, and I I didn't want to bring children into a bad relationship. So I left and actually really pursued and thought about having a child on my own. Um, and really realized um when I was getting kind of near to to the process that I wouldn't be able to be the kind of mother I wanted to be, because I really would have to work so much to be able to raise a child. And um, so I just sort of put it out of my mind. And then my my now husband, who we've been together for 43, 43 years, yeah. Um I we I just went through a lot of infertility and um it wasn't happening, and and he didn't want to adopt, and um and we had heard about surrogacy and the help of surrogate surrogacy, but it was right around the time when there was this um sensationalized situation of what was called the baby M case, where the woman decided to keep her baby or she wanted to be at the end. Uh, so we kind of put that away and then left, went on with life, and I sort of worked with kids, sublimated. Um, and then I went on a women's trek to Nepal, and we had, you know, kind of five weeks apart, and we both decided we were going to revisit it and really think about at this stage. Uh, would we try? Because I was basically told, um, with all the various infertility thing give up. Um, so with the help of the circuit, I was 50 for one week. And we have this wonderful son who's now 29. And you know, and I forget that I didn't give birth to him. And you know, he doesn't have my genes, but people sort of say he looks like me and he is like me, and he's like his father too. And yeah, I've I've lived a nonlinear life, to put it that way.

Beverley Glazer 7:41

Yeah, but it's incredible because you were 50 and your husband was 13 years, I believe, older than you. And you both decided at that point in their life in your lives that you're gonna bring a child into this world who was wonderful. But what were the challenges of being older parents?

Dr Dorian Mintzer 8:05

Well, there definitely are challenges, um, but there's some benefits. Let me mention the benefit to start with, which is that we both really we just we were in a good place in our work and our careers, our finances were, you know, good. Um, luckily we were both in really good health. Um, so we welcomed it. You know, a downside is I was probably the age, I know I was the age of some of the um his classmates' parents. Um, but we bought, I mean, I made some wonderful friends around that because we had in common a child. And, you know, our particular ages didn't matter. Um, I mean, one of the drawbacks is being older. You know, I can't put pressure on my son and say, you know, even though I would like to, I'd like to be a grandmother, but that might not be in my life lifetime. And you know, there's a sadness about that. Um, but I'm so for me, even though I didn't have my 119 children, and I don't think, you know, wanted that anyway. Um, I just it's been such a joy being a mom and raising him. And, you know, for a long time when he was living at home, you know, kids would come and I would have a lot of kids in the house.

Meeting The Birth Mother Goodbye

Beverley Glazer 9:25

Oh, yes. And you told me a wonderful story about surrogacy and bringing him to see his mom. Tell us that.

Dr Dorian Mintzer 9:35

So um I well, we had a we did have a saga in terms of the surrogacy, but we had a wonderful, wonderful um birth mother for him. And um, and she and I kept in touch and I sent pictures, and she at one occasion had visited when he was about two, two and a half. But then I learned that she had she was dying. She had breast cancer that had metastasized to her brain. And uh my son didn't remember her earlier visit. Um, and I just felt like we needed to go out there. I wanted us to go out there and to for him to meet her at an age when he was 10 at the time, to meet her at an age when he remembered and be able to, you know, thank her for giving us such a wonderful family and wonderful life. So we did. And it was uh a very important and moving time for him to meet her, he met his half-brother, um, and um for us to thank her and say goodbye. And she did, in fact, die three days later. Um so and he, it's been very meaningful for him. I mean, parts of it, it was not easy. Um, but in like his essays that he wrote for school, when they would say talk about you know some very meaningful event, he talked about the importance of love, the importance of thanking people, the importance of gratitude. Um, and so it's been a really important part of his life, too.

The Couple's Retirement Puzzle Framework

Beverley Glazer 11:09

And how generous you were to do that for not only for him, for her, and for yourselves, I might add. That was it was a wonderful gift, really. And so you also co-authored the couple's retirement puzzle. Tell us all about that. What is that about?

Dr Dorian Mintzer 11:31

So um the couples, it's called the couple's retirement puzzle 10 Musts Have Conversations for Creating an Amazing New Life Together. And initially, my co-author and I had uh thought about doing a workbook. We were seeing studies coming out. We wrote it back in 2011. There were studies coming out saying couples just really weren't talking about retirement. They weren't talking about finances, they weren't talking about what this next stage of life would be. So we ended up um deciding instead of just a workbook that we would write a book. And although it's written for couples, it's actually for anybody because part of the premise is how to have important conversations with whomever's important in your life. And the other is that it's important to try to create your own individual vision and then have whoever's in your life, whether it be a spouse, partner, friend, sibling, um, to have them do the same so that you can see where you're aligned and where it's different. And I love the the concept of puzzle because it's a noun and a verb. And then, you know, if you think about it, they're all these parts of our lives, different sizes, different shapes. They're not going to fit perfectly together like a jigsaw puzzle, um, but they they fit together. And I think finances and health and wellness are the two biggest that impact all these other parts of one's lives. Um, and so I think it's it's an important book. Luckily for us, um, a few years later it got picked up by source books, um, and we updated it then. And uh it's a sense it's an evergreen book because maybe a few of the statistics are different, but the conversations and how to have them and why it's important to talk about it is very much there. And actually, the wonderful person who wrote the uh foreword to it said it should be given to newlyweds, not to necessarily be talking about retirement per se, but to really think about uh these important aspects of life and to learn how to have important conversations with each other. Yes, I was gonna ask you, why do you think people don't have that conversation? That's a good question. I mean, I think there are a number of reasons. You know, a lot of people say they just don't have time. Some are afraid to. Um, a lot of people want to avoid the idea that, you know, we are aging and we're gonna die. And so to think about changing a role, you know, maybe not working, not having income coming in, it can be very frightening and daunting. And I think people often want to avoid something that's going to be um unpleasant for them or stir up feelings that they just don't want to have to deal with. Sometimes people don't bring it up because they just feel like they're just so far apart in kind of, you know, whatever their visions are, and they just want to avoid the conflict, thinking, well, it'll just go away. Sure.

Beverley Glazer 14:42

And if we don't talk about it, it doesn't happen.

Dr Dorian Mintzer 14:45

Exactly.

Why Couples Avoid Retirement Talks

Beverley Glazer 14:46

Yeah. Yeah. What is embracing the bonus years? I love that. The bonus years, what's that about?

Bonus Years And Positive Aging Research

Dr Dorian Mintzer 14:54

Well, there's been a lot of talk about the what's called the longevity revolution. And the reality is we're living a lot longer than 100 years ago. And even our parents' generation, it's changing a little. And since COVID, I mean, there are just a number of factors and different ethnic groups that have different ages. But in general, if you think about it, kind of a you know, 100, 120 years ago, people were, you know, they died at the point that mid-age starts for us now. So we have these bonus years, which is generally, if you think about it, the time, you know, the traditional retirement age tends to be 62, 65. And so the bonus years are, you know, these years now, you know, that hopefully you're going to be healthy and able to do things. People often want to work longer. Um, people now are saying middle age is more like 40 to 75. Um, and that the expectation now is that people, um, many more people will live into their 80s, 90s. And, you know, kids born today have a 50-50 chance of living in 100. Yeah. So that people have coined it bonus years. And I really do think of what I have learned in my work with individuals and couples and groups and reading and all the experts that I've met over the years, um, it's really a time to grow, learn, and evolve. And if you have a positive attitude about aging, if you have a positive mindset, there actually are studies. You know, Becca Levy out of Yale has studied that you live seven and a half years longer. Um, and there's a new study that's just come out that positive attitudes about aging actually can impact our cognitive health.

Beverley Glazer 16:48

But we also decline.

Dr Dorian Mintzer 16:51

We also do decline.

Beverley Glazer 16:52

And we have so many losses. And that has an effect on us. Uh, we we lose physically, we can lose emotionally, we can lose financially. There's many different losses as we age. Um, life changes. And in your case, your husband also is suffering a decline. How do you navigate that shift now as a caregiver or part-time caregiver? How do you navigate that?

Dr Dorian Mintzer 17:21

Well, it's a talent, and I think it is for all caregivers. Um, and I think um for me, part of what it's important to think about what you need for yourself as the person who's being the caregiver. And I know for me, I both love my work, it grounds me, and it helps me have that sense of connection with people and agency. So I still work, um, and I need to focus on trying to do things where I can take care of myself. But a lot of time and energy is also in some um caregiving. And, you know, luckily, my husband is able to, you know, do a lot of things for himself. But because of a food poisoning and sepsis and a really serious illness uh a year plus ago, um, you know, he's had um significant memory decline. Um, and you know, so it's just it's it's a juggling act. But I think, and it's not easy being a caregiver, um, because I think you're confronted with um really needing both to take care of yourself. You want to take care of somebody that you love. Um, but it's it's a loss because you know, you know that in some respects you're losing your partner, but they're still very much alive. And um, you know, and so we just you know, we just try to live life as normally, you know, as we can. But I would say to all of your listeners who are in a caregiving role, because I think the longer we live, the more reality that either we're gonna need to receive care or we're gonna be a caregiver, or both. Um, and self-care is really important. Uh having support, people you can talk to, whether they be professionals or friends or family, you know, building in different supports, all of that's important. Um, so that you know, we all have the opportunity to live life as fully as we can to the very end. Um, I have a dear friend. Well, she she just died this last year, who was 93, and her mantra was meaningful work, paid or unpaid, through our last breath. And Stan Hively. And she just and I I believe that. And it doesn't, you know, just this connection, engagement, and purpose and meaning, finding joy, having quality to your ears, not just the quantity of years, is so important.

Meaning Joy And Being A Wise Elder

Beverley Glazer 19:56

Yeah, and Dori as you say this, I could see love just excruding right through the screen. And that matters so much. I can see that. That you know, it's so helpful. So at this stage of life, what matters to you most?

Dr Dorian Mintzer 20:16

Matters to me. I think finding joy in things. I mean, we're living during through some very hard times right now. And it feels, you know, given now being 80, sort of the trajectory of, you know, being, you know, involved with things from the 60s on and now, you know, I think being committed to now and future generations. Um I love my connections with my son, who's 29 now, and you know, people of his generation. I really, you know, I I just feel like the inner connections between us at whatever age we are and people older and younger add such a richness to life. And, you know, I just, I mean, in spite of all the issues that are going on, I mean nature's beautiful, um, connecting with people's important, kindness, you know, all these kind of integrity things that maybe we've learned all our lives. I think it's so important to become, you know, in a sense, a kind of a wise elder and be a role model of life is still worth living. And yes, there are downsides, you know, as we get older and losing friends and you know, not being able to do some of the things that we were able to do so easily or quickly before. But, you know, just there's something about being alive that's really special and trying to help our planet and the world. So I'm sort of invested in in that.

Beverley Glazer 21:55

Yeah.

Handling Life Transitions And Asking For Help

Dr Dorian Mintzer 21:56

Yeah.

Beverley Glazer 21:56

What would you tell someone who was struggling with transitions like? Late in life right now?

Dr Dorian Mintzer 22:03

I would say think about how you've handled them in the past. You know, sometimes I know that may not seem like a make sense as an answer, but all of life are transitions. And what I often think about for myself and I ask, you know, my clients, how have you handled transitions in the past? Do you have more trouble with the ending, the letting go of things, with the unknown, period? Bruce Feuer in this lovely book, Life is in the Transition, talks about the messy middle, you know, or new beginning. And I would say if you're having trouble now, think about how you've handled them in the past. Maybe it would be helpful to seek out the help of a therapist or a coach or to talk with other people. Sometimes, you know, what we were saying before, you know, sometimes people are afraid to bring up issues or vulnerabilities or what's frightening them. But if you take that risk, you may discover, and you probably will discover that other people are share, you know, feel the same way, or, you know, have maybe um faced different things. And we need each other. So I would say if you're having difficulty, try to reach out. You know, I think as women, we're not always taught to ask for help. We're supposed to be, you know, so strong. And but asking for help, you know, recognizing there are different times when we feel vulnerable, trying to confront and and figure out if some of the difficulty, you know, what's reality-based, and what are some things that you can maybe do to make some changes, and what are some things that, you know, are involved in trying to find a way to manage it or accept it, um, and to focus on what you still can do rather than focusing on more of the losses. Um, not not to avoid them, but not to to try not to have to go down that slippery slope of a rabbit hole of despair and depression. Um, I mean, growing older it's got its challenges. There's no question. I'm not I don't paint a rosy picture, but attitude, um, a more gross mindset, attitude, you know, research, there's studies that say it's 30% genetics and 70% things we can have some control over. Now, there's no question, genetics plays a role, but taking care of our body, our brain, spirituality, just moving, connecting with people, sense of meaning and purpose, a sense that matter. You know, all of those things, you know, if people can just think about how do I, you know, what can I still do to connect, you know, this meaningful connection to one's last breath.

Takeaways Links And Next Steps

Beverley Glazer 24:51

Yes, wonderful. Thank you, Dori. Dr. Dorian Mintzer is a therapist, a coach, an author, a TEDx speaker, an educator, helping individuals and couples navigate the second half of their lives. She co-authored The Couple's Retirement Puzzle, The 10 Must-Have Conversations for Creating an Amazing New Life Together, and Dorian hosts Revolutionize Your Retirement Podcast and the monthly expert interview series every fourth Tuesday. She integrates life planning, positive psychology, and lived experiences to help others create meaning, connection, and purpose as they age. Here's some takeaways from this episode. Too late shouldn't stop you. Ageism is a choice. Old age is a new frontier for growth. You do not need to retire and disappear. If you've been relating to this episode, here's some actions to take right now. Pick one thing that you've been putting off because of your age and take one step to start doing it. Identify what you've been telling yourself about aging and challenge that thought. And ask yourself: if my days are numbered, and you know that they are, would you really do this? Always choose joy. For a similar episode on reinventing retirement, check out episode 167 of Aging with Purpose and Passion. And if you're over 50 and love to travel, the Ageless Traveler is your number one resource for lifelong travel. Discover exciting places, luxury travel for last, grandparent and solo travel, culture and culinary experiences, and meet people who make travel easy. That's theagelistraveler.com. And so, Dory, where can people find you? Please share your links.

Dr Dorian Mintzer 26:58

So, my email, if people wanted to reach me, is Dorianminzer at gmail.com. My website is www.revolutionizeretirement.com. And if you go to the website, you can learn about the different programs. As Beverly mentioned, I have a monthly interview with expert series. It's free, it's open to the public and professionals where I interview people around books or topics of you know about life and aging and transitions. And to it's been 14 years now that I've been doing it. And to celebrate my 10th year, I started a podcast series so that the interviews are now available to listen to it on whatever platform you want. And you can have access to it if you go to my website. You can sign up for the upcoming interviews that I'm doing. You can listen to any of the podcast series on any platform you use. Or if you want to go directly to the podcast, it's revolutionize your retirement.com. And you can get right to the to the uh podcast that way.

Beverley Glazer 28:07

Perfect. If you didn't catch those links, all those links are in the show notes and they're on my site too. That's reinventimpossible.com. And so, my friends, what's next for you? If you're ready to move from stuck to unstoppable, download my free roadmap. It's in the show notes, and along with many ways to connect with me, and also on my favorite, my favorite, my Facebook community. Facebook is not my favorite. However, you can find me there. It's um all these conversations and everything there is in the community, and of course, it is on reinventimpossible.com. Now, please follow the show, leave a review, and if you know someone who would love it, please share it with a friend. And remember, you only have one life, so live it with purpose and passion.

Announcer 29:07

Thank you for joining us. You can connect with Bev on her website reinventimpossible.com. And while you're there, join our newsletter. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode. Until next time, keep aging with purpose and passion. And celebrate life.