Welcome: The Words That Shape Your Confidence After 50

Announcer 0:01

Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion, the podcast designed to inspire your greatness and thrive through life. Get ready to conquer your fears. Here's your host, psychotherapist, coach, and empowerment expert, Beverley Glazer.

Beverley Glazer 0:19

How many of you still think of yourself by how other people have judged you in the past? Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion. I'm Beverley Glazer, a transition coach and reinvention strategist for women over 50, helping you to turn a lifetime of wisdom into your most impactful next act. And you can find me and this podcast on reinventimpossible.com. These episodes share raw, real stories from women who refuse to shrink, settle, or fade away. We don't sugarcoat our challenges here. We rise from them, and you'll leave with a stronger belief in yourself and a greater clarity about what's possible for you.

Vera’s Childhood: Isolation, Resilience, and Finding Her Voice

Beverley Glazer 1:08

Meet Vera Milan Gervais. She was born with a birth defect and had four major surgeries before she turned 18. She lived through a teenage marriage, serious accidents, losses, and many twists in the road. But today, she's a speaker, a best-selling author, an award-winning businesswoman, and a mentor who helps women build confidence and shows up with presence. Through her philosophy, Words We Wear, she demonstrates how the words we use to describe ourselves can shape our identity, our choices, and our future. If you've ever felt limited by the pain of your past, this conversation is for you. And keep listening and stay until the end. And then I'll give you tips on what you can do for yourself too. Welcome, Vera. Welcome.

Vera Milan Gervais 2:10

Thank you, Beverley. Thanks so much for inviting me. That was quite the intro. You took my whole life in a few seconds here better than I do, I think.

Beverley Glazer 2:19

Well, then you take us back. Take us back to the beginning. What do you remember most about your childhood?

Vera Milan Gervais 2:27

Hospitals. That's, I mean, unfortunately, that's the case. I remember being in and out of hospitals, crutches, wheelchairs. And part of that is just the isolation of it as well. Because with all of the surgeries that I had, I wasn't allowed to participate in sports or do anything like that. So I actually grew up, I'm going to say, living in my head. I read and I was by myself for the most part. It was um, it was a very I mean it I don't think anybody intended for me to feel that isolated, but I definitely grew up feeling like I didn't belong.

Beverley Glazer 3:04

Yes. And and how did that affect you?

Vera Milan Gervais 3:07

Oh, I mean, I never had a friend growing up, partially because I was never around. But I I totally withdrew into myself. And the whole aspect of being told that I had a birth defect and they didn't know what it was come, I actually adopted that as my identity. I thought I was defective. And so when people didn't want to play with me, people didn't want to hang out with me or anything like that, I just kind of figured that was all part and parcel of who I was, that that's all I deserved. And I mean, that's what led to the teen marriage, because like basically I was like, somebody asked me to marry him. Like, oh my gosh. Like, I was like, somebody, somebody wants me. And without even thinking that I maybe deserved a little bit more, it was like I was kind of grateful, I guess, that somebody cared.

Leaving a Marriage and Releasing the Need for Approval

Beverley Glazer 3:57

Sure. And so you got into that, and then you also got out of that. And then in your 20s, you also had a head-on collision accident. Um, your marriage ended, and you walked away also from a commerce degree. What was going on then and why?

Vera Milan Gervais 4:19

Well, the the accident is what started it. I I did. It was a head-on collision that left me flat on my back for months on end because I broke my nose and hurt my leg and I couldn't move. Um I was laying at home on the sofa, and my husband was kind of going on with his life, doing what he'd always done, because we we didn't have a marriage. We had kind of almost a roommate relationship. I was working full-time and going to school at night trying to get my degree. And I realized that there was nothing in the relationship and that I probably wanted more. But I, my father's Irish Catholic. I grew up Irish Catholic, and when I said I wanted to leave the wedding, the marriage, that wasn't exactly acceptable. Um, I did find the balls somehow or another to say I wanted to get out, and my dad disowned me. And I think that's what caused me to abandon everything else. I mean, here I am. I'm I'm leaving the one thing that I thought was solid in my life, and the only other thing that was solid in my life, my dad is saying, No, you're not welcome home because I have six younger sisters, I was going to be setting a bad example for them. And it sounds really awful, Bev, but it was the best thing he ever could have done for me. Because then it was like, I don't have to pull, I don't have to make anybody else happy anymore. I don't have to live up to his expectations. I can create my own. And that's when I realized it wasn't just my marriage I didn't want. I was becoming an accountant because I was good in math and physics, and girls weren't supposed to be good in math and physics, but I could do accounting, so I did accounting. I didn't want to do accounting. I hated it. So I walked away from all of that and stepped into the complete unknown. And it was exciting, it was scary, I messed up good time. Um, I often say I got a master's in mistakes, but I think that that's what allowed me to realize that sometimes the expectations that are set on us are what hold us back.

Reinvention Through Career Pivots

Vera Milan Gervais 6:23

And we do have choices when we allow ourselves to have those choices.

Beverley Glazer 6:27

True. And you went from accounting to communication arts. I did. I did. How'd you do that?

Vera Milan Gervais 6:35

Um, again, total rebellion. I'd always like like I said, I grew up in my head. I'd always written, I'd always read, and I'd been told you can't make a living writing. So of course I believe that. But when everything else had gone by the wayside, I had quit my job and I thought I was going back to school actually to finish my commerce degree because I thought I only had a year left. But I found out it was a long, a lot more than that. And because I didn't have a job or anything, and I didn't want to tell my parents I was doing nothing, um, because there still was that little, you know, that need to appease. Um I walked across to Southern Alberta Institute of Technology in Calgary and I said, What have you got an opening in? And they said communication arts. So I did. And that that spontaneous decision changed my entire life. Yes, it sure did.

Beverley Glazer 7:24

You built a career in advertising. I did. Tell us about that.

Vera Milan Gervais 7:29

It was interesting because I never would have thought that. I I when I when I graduated, I would had the opportunity to work in a radio station or for a travel magazine or in advertising. And I'm going, travel magazine, I can go everywhere. They would pay for it, but the money that they offered wasn't even enough to pay your rent. So I took the job in advertising and it took me to Vancouver, and then it took me to Toronto, and I ended up working for a number of uh the major agencies with uh major consumer packaged goods companies, and then I got recommended for a position with Medicus Intercon, which was at that time the largest medical advertising agency, healthcare advertising agency in Canada. And I ended up being director of client services there. Um so for somebody who never even thought I was going to get into this business, I did really well. And um that's where I met my husband actually, because he uh he called on me. So that that tiny little pivot at State definitely changed my entire

A Life-Changing Crash and the Lesson of Worthiness

Vera Milan Gervais 8:30

world.

Beverley Glazer 8:30

Yes, another change for sure. But then you went through another serious accident.

Vera Milan Gervais 8:37

Yes, I've been, I think the universe kind of uses car accidents to put me straight. Um, I actually, when I met my husband, we he and I were both with someone else. And then I had this other accident, which I was rear-ended. Um, and yeah, that one knocked me out for about six months. And I at the time I owned a home, I had to sell it because my mortgage came due. And I was a consultant at the time, I didn't have the income to do it. And um, my husband was um he he was his marriage was ending, but he was, it's funny how when you when you have a position like I did in the agency where you have some power and some influence, everybody comes to you. And as soon as that doesn't happen anymore, everybody abandons you. And my husband, who had been a supplier, uh had was the only person, whenever he was in the neighborhood, he'd drop by with sushi or with flowers or just to say hello. And if when when he did, I remember when his marriage broke up, I said to him, to my girlfriend, I said, I'm gonna line you up with this friend of mine. And she goes, Why? I says, Because he's a really nice guy. And she says, What's wrong with him? I'm going, nothing. He's nice, he drives a nice car, he's good looking. She goes, What's wrong with him? And I said, Nothing. And she goes, then why aren't you going for him? I'm going, he's too nice. Interesting. Because I didn't think I deserved anything nice.

Beverley Glazer 10:02

Right.

Vera Milan Gervais 10:03

Yes.

Beverley Glazer 10:05

But you ended up marrying him.

Vera Milan Gervais 10:07

Yes, I did. I did. We um we discovered very early on in our relationships, before even before we moved in with each other, that I was pregnant. So that'll do it. That was the universe stepping in again and saying, Okay, girl, you need to smarten up. And there's this baby coming along, and you get to make a decision. And he was really good about it. He says, You and I don't have to get married, but this baby is going to be in my life. And yeah, so the baby came along, and shortly after, I always teasing me, never proposed. He said, What about December 5th? Like, pardon me. Is that a good day to get married? Oh, are you proposing to me? But yeah, um, it's been it's been a beautiful, beautiful 30 years.

Beverley Glazer 10:55

Yeah.

Moving East and Building a New Way to Work

Beverley Glazer 10:56

And in your 40s, uh, the two of you launched businesses and you moved to New Brunswick. Why there?

Vera Milan Gervais 11:05

We had started the business in Toronto. Um, we both our kids were born in Toronto. We started the business in Toronto, and then Marcel came out here to the East Coast uh on a business trip, came back and said, What do you think about moving to Moncton? I said, It's the wrong way, the border, because the mountains started that way, and I want to go back to the mountains. Um, he has a French-Canadian background and he wanted our kids to grow up being bilingual. Um, plus, the internet at that point in time was really strong out here, and the business we had was really going to benefit from being online. So yeah, we packed up and we moved out here, even though 100% of our clients were still in Ontario and Quebec. And so we we pioneered remote work in 1995, like way ahead of the COVID and everything else. Yeah.

How Knee Surgery Sparked Words We Wear

Beverley Glazer 11:53

Yes, yes. And in your 50s, you began speaking and writing books. And why did your voice become so important at that time?

Vera Milan Gervais 12:05

I never ever thought I would be a speaker. The book came first, okay. And the book came because I took some time off of out of the business to um have a knee replacement, which is all part and parcel of this, the my birth condition. Um and when I had been so involved in the business this entire time, that stepping aside and not being there really affected my identity. So I'm sitting there and I'm going, like, what's wrong with me, Vera? You keep talking about you need time off, you want to do all these things. And so I started to write about it. And in the process of writing about it, discovered because I'm left-brain, right brain, I started going into the brain from both a physical point of view, what does your brain do, to an emotional point of view. And I realized that the words we use when we talk about ourselves affect what we think. And we attach our identities and our egos to those words without even realizing the way they affect the way we show up. And so I did all the research because I was a writer after all. And I started digging into it, and I started talking to people, and it became like this isn't just about me figuring out who I am. This is there's a whole book in here. And so I wrote the book, excuse me, and then I thought, okay, in order to get the message out, I have to talk about it. So I took public speaking because obviously, having lived in the background most of my life, that was something that terrified me. And you know what, Bev? I discovered I really enjoy it. Because as an introvert, when you sit at a table with a bunch of strangers, it feels really intimidating. But when you stand on the stage and you can control the dialogue, it's a lot more comfortable.

Beverley Glazer 13:59

And tell us, tell us about

What Words We Wear Means for Women Over 50

Beverley Glazer 14:01

your philosophy. Words we wear, and it's a program. What is that all about?

Vera Milan Gervais 14:07

So the basic premise behind words is the that words are labels, and just like the clothing labels that we we wear, they affect the way we feel and how we show up. So the program basically is intended to take people, women who second guess themselves from self-doubt to self-trust. Because the words we use when we talk about ourselves affect what we believe about ourselves and what we expect we can or can't do and do and don't deserve. So if we change the way we talk about ourselves, we change our beliefs and expectations, and that changes the way we show up, which changes our actions, behaviors, and choices, which is how how identity is determined. And as I say, when we change the words, we change the identity ceiling. And when we change that identity ceiling, then we open up our world to all the possibilities of everything else that's out there for us.

Labels to Drop: Better Words for Confidence and Self-Trust

Beverley Glazer 15:05

True, true. And what labels are still diminishing women? What what do you tell them? What are those labels?

Vera Milan Gervais 15:13

First of all, stop saying just, stop saying only, stop saying somebody else did it, right? Stop giving all the credit everywhere else. Because we as women, first of all, we as women are all leaders. We just don't call ourselves leaders. We call ourselves moms and volunteers and coordinators and project managers. It's what in my parlance I call us two IC, second in command. We are the people that make everybody else successful. We are the people that help our spouses and our partners and our kids and our friends, and we don't help ourselves the same way. So we need to start leading ourselves. We are to need to start giving ourselves permission to be everything we can be, and to believe that we deserve that. Because that's the biggest thing is that permission to be.

Beverley Glazer 16:06

Very true. And what about those labels? What labels should we stop?

Vera Milan Gervais 16:12

Um, I say stop calling ourselves just I'm so-and-so's mom, I'm so-and-so's spouse, I'm so I stop identifying yourself by your job because you're more than your job. Stop identifying yourself by your demographic, right? And like when I go someplace and somebody will say, I'll introduce myself, I won't say I'm Marcel's wife. I say Marcel is my husband. Ah, that's a flip, but the same thing. Same thing, but doesn't it change the way you feel about yourself? And when you introduce yourself, I did a um brief conference a couple weeks back. These women, I asked women how they introduced themselves. And most of them said, Well, I usually say my name and then ask a question because I don't like small talk. And I'm going, but if you don't give anybody a reason to get into conversation with you, it's all going to be small talk. So for instance, I'll introduce myself and somebody will say, What do you do? I can say I'm a speaker and author, but a lot of people are going, yeah. So quite often I'll just say, I make people think. Exactly. Right? And then they'll either go, Oh, I'm getting out of here. Or, oh, tell me more. And that's how we get into the conversations that matter. And every single one of those women, when we got into the conversations, had something brilliant to say and was really strong. They just didn't give themselves permission to own that strength and to own that quality of who they are.

Beverley Glazer 17:43

Terrific. What's one last word you'd like to tell us all, Vera?

Vera Milan Gervais 17:49

I think that you if you consider that you have more words in your wardrobe than you have clothes in your wardrobe, then it's time to think about what words you use to talk about yourself and how you feel in them. And if you change the words that make you feel good, it's going to change your life. Love it.

Beverley Glazer 18:10

Thank you, Vera. Vera Milan Gervaise is a speaker, a best-selling author, an award-winning businesswoman, and a success mentor who helps women build confidence and show up with presence. She is the creator of Words We Wear, a powerful philosophy and program that demonstrates how the words we say about ourselves shape who we are and who we become. With more than 30 years of experience as an entrepreneur, a writer, a marketer, and a strategic consultant, Vera inspires women to rewrite their story, embrace their strength, and step into an unlimited life. Here are

Takeaways, Resources, and How to Connect with Vera and Bev

Beverley Glazer 18:52

a few takeaways from this episode. Your words matter. Talk kindly to yourself. Your past is not who you are today. Think how much you've accomplished. And confidence can be built. You're never too late to be fully yourself. If you've been relating to this episode, here are some actions to take right now. Notice the labels you wear. If they're negative, stop using them. Question your old story. Is it really true? Stop defining yourself by your past. You still have the power to rename your next chapter. For similar episodes on changing your story, check out Sex, Money and Power. That's episode 171. And Midlife Reinvention, that's 174 of Aging with Purpose and Passion. And if you like stories of unapologetic women who have boldly reimagined life on their own terms, check out reinvention rebels.com. And so Vera, where can people find you? Please share your links.

Vera Milan Gervais 19:59

The easiest way is on my website, which is veragervais.com. There's a link there for my book for my TEDx talk and for my Substack, which is called Nearly Naked Truths. And I'm on LinkedIn, VeraMylon Gervais. I'm on Facebook and Instagram as well, but primarily LinkedIn Substack.

Beverley Glazer 20:18

So sure. And all Vera's links are in the show notes and on my site too. That's reinventimpossible.com. And so my friends, what's next for you? Are you ready to move from stuck to unstoppable? Download my free roadmap, and that's in the show notes. And if this conversation speaks to you, please add us to your playlist and share it with a friend. And remember, you only have one life, so live it with purpose and passion.

Announcer 20:50

Thank you for joining us. You can connect with Bev on her website, reinventimpossible.com. And while you're there, join our newsletter. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode. Until next time, keep aging with purpose and passion. And celebrate life.