Welcome And A Hard Question

Announcer 0:06

Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion, the podcast designed to inspire your greatness and thrive through life. Get ready to conquer your fears. Here's your host, psychotherapist, coach, and empowerment expert, Beverly Glazer.

Beverley Glazer 0:33

What happens when life asks you for more strength than you could ever imagine? Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion. I'm Beverly Glazer, a work and life transition coach and reinvention strategist for women over 50. And you can find me and this podcast at reInventimpossible.com. Today's episode is part of the AgeWise Collective Podcast-a-thon Supporting Good Grief, an organization that helps children and families cope with the death of a loved one.

A Joyful Pregnancy Then Alarming Symptoms

Beverley Glazer 1:08

My guest is Diane Falato. Diane was looking forward to the birth of her grandson, and then shortly after he was born, her daughter was diagnosed with ALS. Diane and her husband stepped up to help her young family. And when her daughter died, they continue to raise their grandson and adapt to a future they never could have expected. Many women over 50 suddenly find themselves caregiving, putting plans on hold, keeping a family together, or learning that love sometimes asks more of us than we thought we could ever endure. Today, Diane shares her deeply personal story of love, loss, resilience, and hope, and how the support of Good Grief helped her family find their way through an unimaginable challenge. And stay with us till the end, and I'll share key takeaways for yourself and how you too can support the work of Good Grief. I want to thank you, Diane, for coming. Thank you. You're welcome. First, I want to say this is a very personal story. And when you're sharing it, others will see that they're not alone. And so tell me, how did this whole thing start? Because life was really quite beautiful. You were expecting a grandchild. What was life like back then before your daughter was diagnosed?

Diane Falato 2:43

Well, we had two children that were out of the house, and Elise also. And then Elise. Um, she had been married four and a half years, and um she was she couldn't wait. I mean, she just was so thrilled to be having a baby. Um, she did have to go through um, she never quite told us whether it was in vitro or I don't think it was, but somebody, you know, they had to help her along. So um, and then she found out she was having a little boy, and uh, you know, again, she just was so happy with herself and just her whole circumstances. But about three weeks or so after he was born, she started having symptoms of but nobody knew what it was. It was a dropped foot, it was she fell a couple of times, and it was frightening. So she went to an orthopedist, he sends her to a neurologist, and after a year of well, it's not this, it's not that, it's not this, it's kind of a thing where all of a sudden this is what you're left with, and that was ALS.

The Long Road To An ALS Diagnosis

Diane Falato 4:08

Yeah, and we still had a son who lived at home still, and um he so then when she before they even knew what it was, she would stay with us, her and the baby, because her husband had to work, and sure, so they would stay with us for half the week, and then his mother would come up and help the second half of the week at their house.

Beverley Glazer 4:35

So, um how it all started, and um so so you were already helping before anything really became serious. She couldn't really even cope with once the baby was born.

Diane Falato 4:51

No, I you know, it and the amazing thing was she never um never complained, never, but I I know when she fell, because it her husband said when he she fell, he said that was the only time she ever he ever saw her cry for what she had because she couldn't, she was always afraid. Of course, if she held him and then fell, she would hurt him. Yeah, of course.

Beverley Glazer 5:21

And so when she was finally diagnosed with ALS, this is a devastating illness.

Diane Falato 5:28

And she's even said it. She's she said it one time to my husband. She said, Dad, if if it's ALS, she said, you know, it's not good, it's not good. So she knew that. Um, because at one point there was a doctor who said this could possibly be ALS, but she but he said, You're you don't follow any of the patterns. So hers was spontaneous and aggressive, right? Came out of nowhere, right?

Becoming Parents Again Overnight

Beverley Glazer 6:03

And when your daughter was starting to lose ground, you were now also becoming a parent again for a child. Yeah. How did you manage that transition? Because now it's your daughter and it's the child, and it's yourselves too, because you kind of lose your own life through this.

Diane Falato 6:24

Well, you know, I guess it's just something that you just sort of put one foot in front of the other. I mean, there were days when it was hard, and because you wanted to honor the way she would uh raised him. Like, I mean, there were times when she used to say, you know, you can say no to him, and you know, we'd we'd all laugh because it was hard, but um you you just had to honor the way she was going to raise him. Um, she had a wonderful sense of humor, uh, always did, even when she was little, and um so you just sort of had to stay positive all the time. Um like I said, because she didn't complain, I wasn't about to complain. No, I'm not even in her position. And even at one point I said to her, um, Elise, if we could take this away, we would. She says, Mom, you don't want it. Oh my goodness, I know that's so you you did it. I mean, yeah, many times I thought she would never complain about this. You know, there were many there were times when you just said, God, I need to get through this hour because you know the baby is going through twos and threes, and and you know, those can be challenging times. Very challenging.

What Not To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving

Beverley Glazer 8:08

And it's hard. You're now an older parent going through your own grief as well, and trying to be positive for the child and doing all these necessary caregiving activities that a young child goes through. How did you do that? How did you have the physical strength to do that?

Diane Falato 8:33

Um I guess, you know, we always took care of ourselves. It's my husband and I, you know, physically, we always took care of ourselves. I mean, we weren't crazy people, like, you know, we didn't, but I mean, I think we were always healthy, so that helped. Um sometimes the hard part is when others don't understand it and they say things like, oh, well, you know, when are you gonna travel? Well, that's really not on my radar right now. And um just things like that, it it used to drive me nuts, you know. It's like, no, I this is this is what I'm doing, and I'm very happy to be doing it. And you know, somebody some people would say, Well, I I couldn't do that. I said, Yes, you can. I said, if you have to, you do it. We don't know what life's gonna give us, so you have to be positive. But like I said, there were times when it was hard, and um, you know, because you're you know getting in and out of the car seat, and and okay, let's play another game and and all that, but he's a little boy who doesn't have his mom, and you always have to be reminded of that, right? You know, we were, I mean, I was lucky, I always had my mother and my sisters and and all that. Most of us have grown up with our moms, and and now he he doesn't have it, you know. So you have to, but people have been people that you know kind of knew the story and were very willing to help, you know. Of course, please come to our preschool and please. This is our gift to him, and they allowed him to come, and so it was there's a lot of good people in this world. It was nice, yes. We were very lucky.

When A Community Steps In To Help

Diane Falato 10:55

How did you find out about good grief? Well, uh someone I know had mentioned it, and I kind of dismissed it because he was so little, and then he went to preschool and he went, uh he started when he was two and then three, and then the four-year-old teacher um mentioned it to us, and I said, you know, it's funny, I heard about that before. So um I mentioned something to my son-in-law. I said, you know, Anthony, if you don't mind, I'm gonna call and find out what this is all about. And um, that person who originally told me about it um gave me the name of someone to get in contact with. And we I did. And they invited us to come over to see it and talk to us, and it was good because my son-in-law came. I don't know how quick he is to get,

Discovering Good Grief And Taking The First Step

Diane Falato 11:58

I don't think he would ever go to a therapist or anything like that, it's just the way he is, and but this was not therapy, it there's facilitators, so there's people in your group who are going through exactly what you're going through. So that's how we started, but just making that phone call, and even she said that um the woman you know we talked to, um Ariana, she said, you know, if it's not if you find that it's not for you, doesn't mean you can't come back later. Like if you think the timing is off. But um I I said to my husband, I think little Anthony is going to be the one who dictates whether we go back or not. And he loved it because there were kids there, and he, you know, he is an only child, and he loves these children. I mean, they're his friends, he calls them his good grief friends, and um they're all like him, they're all like him, and of course, we met. Um our group is very um because we're all the same, we're all helping to raise children. Now, some some of the couple, the women, they have teenagers. Uh one of them, I guess, you know, another woman has a child that's very similar to Anthony's age. And you know, so we're kind of all in different phases, but so many times what they say or what comes up in conversation helps put words into maybe what you're thinking. And then you say, gee, I you know, I felt like that. Yeah, you know, that sometimes you do get upset and you're working with somebody else, you know, in your family, and so it helps to put the words into place.

Beverley Glazer 14:16

And you feel you're not alone, right? Everyone's in there together.

Why Peer Support Works Better Than Advice

Beverley Glazer 14:22

So, what would you say that good grief has done for you and the family, everyone?

Diane Falato 14:29

Um, I think it gives you a lot of courage to even say things like, no, I'm not gonna do that, or no, I'm not up for that. Um because everybody has different feelings, you know, like my kids will say, if there's a like say Elise's birthday, and I call I'll call them and I'll say, Are you doing okay? Mom, we keep ourselves busy. That's how they deal with it, right? Um and then you know, talking to a lot of people, it's like, yeah, you know, um it's okay. It's okay because you know, at first I worried about them and thought, oh gee, are they, you know, but they have to deal with it too. They're adults and they, you know, of course, they always talk about her, sure, but not so much about her being sick or when she passed away, but more of growing up with her and you know, which I guess is better it's good.

Beverley Glazer 15:47

It's good thing, it's fond memories. And what about little Anthony? I mean, he's resilient, he obviously knows about his mom. Um what has he taught you about resilience?

Setting Boundaries When You’re Grieving

Diane Falato 16:06

Um he's a thinker, uh, and I I think sometimes we have to stop and think too, you know, and the way he looks at things. Um he keeps his humor, he's he can be very funny. Uh, the things he says and how he treats people. Um, you know, I always remember when Elise was sick and she was in a wheelchair. If anybody new came to our house, he would say, um, he'd run to the door, this little toddler run to the door, and then he'd point to Elise and say, Mommy, like he was almost introducing her. And um he's not afraid of somebody who might be in a wheelchair or who might be sick, or um, I think that's shows you that you know, he is very resilient, and um, there were times when I thought, oh, maybe he's reacting because of what happened, and I think maybe he does, but I would say he's very positive, and his his father does keep her memory alive, so you know, with pictures and all that, so lots of times when he refers to her, he always says, you know, well, mommy like that. Not that I don't think he remembers, but he's been told, and that becomes part of his memory then.

What Children Teach Us About Resilience

unknown 17:53

Yeah.

Beverley Glazer 17:54

Looking back, what do you hope that your grandchild carries about his early years with you?

Diane Falato 18:02

Oh, I just I just hope he remembers everything that um we did and we tried to teach him. Um because you do, I mean, it's every day is a you're always teaching them something and making them behave and um how to treat other people and children, and you know, okay, you get angry about things, but we gotta work on that. And so I hope you know, we're trying to instill faith in him. Um I hope that's what he he remembers that we were good to him and he had fun here, and um, you know, uh that's I mean, that's my hope that he doesn't forget anything. But you know, we know he will, but um, because as he's getting older, now he's gonna go to a different school that's not where he was before. He was closer to us. So um I hope

What Diane Wishes Grieving Families Knew

Diane Falato 19:14

you know, we still have an influence on him.

Beverley Glazer 19:17

I'm I'm sure you will. I hope so. What's one last word of advice to help others dealing in a similar situation, Diane?

Diane Falato 19:27

You know, I I think you have to um even though it's a a grief situation, I think you do have to find joy in that um in what you're doing for especially for little Anthony. And um I mean, go to a place like good grief. You know, if you don't have one, maybe there is someplace that it's under a different name that's it it works like good grief does, because we've grown so fond of the people that are in our group, and um you know, you worry about them just as much, and you know, people will ask sometimes you because we go every other week, you know, you come in and they'll say, How did that work? How would how are things going? So you're opening up to people and they care about us as much as we care about them, right? And um it it's it's been good, it's been good in that respect. I I do think you need to talk to somebody and get a different perspective or say that, yep, you know what, I I felt the same way because they always tell you do not give advice when you're good grief unless it is asked. Yes, so we are all very careful with each other, but yet we care so much for each other. Sometimes we have conversations outside the room, and then somebody will kind of open up about things, yeah. So it is a good, it is, it is a wonderful organization, and they just allow you to talk because I know one time we had a meeting and and my husband said something, and I go, Oh, you know what? And they told they told me, no, he can say what he wants, you know, and I had to be reminded of that. I can't control his feelings or what he's going to say, just like he can't control. And I think there's things I've have found out that, oh. I I didn't know he thought that way, or I didn't know he noticed this, or and I think he has found the same with me. I'm gonna open up another conversation.

Beverley Glazer 22:14

Yeah, and it takes people, it takes a community. Yeah, and that's what I'm hearing throughout this.

Diane Falato 22:23

Yes, it does. Yeah, and you know, I we're blessed with with good friends too, and um they remember, and they'll you know, always get text or whatever that you know we're thinking of you today. That's all they have to say.

Beverley Glazer 22:46

That's all you need to say, right? Right. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome. You're very welcome. As part of the Agewise Collective podcast, The Fun, Diane Follado shared her deeply personal story of love, loss, resilience, and hope, and how the support of good grief helped her family find their way through unimaginable challenges. And

How To Support Good Grief

Beverley Glazer 23:15

so, my friends, what will you carry from this conversation? Maybe it's the courage to ask for help, maybe it's the reminder that grief needs patience, understanding, and community, or maybe it's simply reaching out to someone who is carrying more than you know. If Diane's story touched you, please consider supporting Good Grief. And you'll find the donation link in the show notes, or you can text age-wise to 50155, and every gift helps grieving children and their families feel much less alone. Please add this podcast to your playlist and share this episode to someone today who may just need it right now. And remember, you only have one life, so live it with purpose and passion.

Announcer 24:18

Thank you for joining us. You can connect with Beth on her website, reInventimpossible.com. And while you're there, join our newsletter. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode. Until next time, keep aging with purpose and passion and celebrate life.