Speaker 1: 0:07

Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion, the podcast designed to inspire your greatness and thrive through life. Get ready to conquer your fears. Here's your host. Psychotherapist coach and empowerment expert Beverly Glaser. Therapist, coach and empowerment expert Beverly Glazer.

Beverley Glazer: 0:27

Qhen life silences you, will you disappear or rise higher than you ever did before? Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion, the podcast for women over 50 who are ready to stop settling and live life on their own terms. Each week, you'll hear powerful conversations, inspiring stories and get practical tools to reignite your own fire. I'm Beverly Glaser, a reinvention catalyst for women who are ready to keep raising the bar, and you can find me on reinventedpossiblecom. Carol Metz-Murray is the founder of the Naked Leader Institute, a transformational coach, a mentor, speaker, a consultant and a five-time collaborative international bestselling author. She is a domestic violence survivor and suffered early childhood trauma. Carol brings lived experience, resilience and decades of leadership insight to help others discover their voice and live their full potential.

Carol Metz-Murray: 1:50

Thank you, Beverly,

Beverley Glazer: 1:51

I'm happy to be here with you on this really great day. Yes, for sure, let me tell you. Or let me ask you. I should say you grew up on a farm in Saskatchewan. I mean I've only driven through Saskatchewan, I mean I've only driven through Saskatchewan.

Carol Metz-Murray: 2:15

There is very little there. So what was it like? Growing up on a farm in Saskatchewan was really absolutely wonderful Hard work, work ethic, all of that but there was freedom, there was space, there was fresh air and I grew up on a mixed farm, so there were lots and lots of animals and lots of time spent outside in nature. And, as I jokingly say, where I grew up on a farm in Saskatchewan, you could watch your dog run away for three weeks and then you could watch him run back Exactly.

Carol Metz-Murray: 3:02

Exactly. But you know, I really am grateful for growing up on the farm and learning the things that I did, experiencing the things that I did Beverly, you know at the age of five, because I spent a lot of time with my dad out in the fields and with, you know, in with the cattle. He had said to me, carol, you need to learn how to lead. And he was serious and he said and you're going to spend time with the horses and then you're going to spend time with the turkeys. Well, leading horses, in essence, you don't lead them, they generally lead you. Leading turkeys, well, that's completely different. I mean, a flock of turkeys is like a herd of cats, they go every which way. So what a great experience at an early age. And here I am. I mean that really began my life trajectory.

Beverley Glazer: 4:09

Yes, and you also were educated in a one-room schoolhouse. Yes, you taught yourself to be a leader there.

Carol Metz-Murray: 4:19

Yes, absolutely. There was leadership opportunities there as well. As you know, as I advanced up the grade levels, there was always leadership opportunities to work with younger students, and so, in essence, my farm leadership training kicked in at a very early age. And, you know, even as I got into high school, there was leadership opportunities and teachers were searching me out and saying, carol, would you lead this, carol, would you do this, take this group and work with them there? So, in that way, absolutely, truly blessed.

Beverley Glazer: 5:01

Yeah, you were also sexually assaulted as a child. Did you report that to anyone?

Carol Metz-Murray: 5:12

I talked with my mother and my father about it. Either they didn't hear me or they just couldn't respond. Whatever it was, and that really was the only two that I raised it with I raised it with and when there was no acknowledgement, I just stopped using my voice because nothing was happening and nothing was changing. So, as that little girl, I just couldn't figure that out, beverly, as to what that was all about, was it because you know, the perpetrator lived within the community not too far from where I lived? I don't know. I will share with you.

Carol Metz-Murray: 6:23

There was one being that knew what was going on and would defend me when he was there, and that was my dog Rocky. He was an Alsatian shepherd and he was given to me, interestingly, and he was trained as a guard dog to guard a business in the village not far from where we lived. But his owners sold the business and they didn't want him moving into the city. So they gave him to me because I connected with him as that little little girl. So he was my one and only protector when he could and when and how he protected me is he would just. He would stand and growl and growl, and my parents never figured that out? Yeah, he would. He would keep the perpetrator at bay. He knew, yeah.

Beverley Glazer: 7:37

And he silenced you so much so that on your wedding day you knew you should never marry this man, but you said nothing.

Carol Metz-Murray: 7:49

Yes, I said nothing. My intuition told me I was making the biggest mistake in my life and again, I didn't use my voice. And again I didn't use my voice. I had silenced my voice because who would really listen, you know? And yeah, that was a huge, huge mistake, beverly, and yet I got four beautiful gifts as a result of it, and that I'm forever grateful for.

Beverley Glazer: 8:27

Yes, yeah. How did you protect those children? Because it was a violent marriage.

Carol Metz-Murray: 8:36

You ask a very, very emotional question. It was I was very challenged to protect the children. There were times I would take them and and leave, you know, go outside or go to a playground, but there were also times where, quite frankly, I couldn't protect them, or I didn't protect them because we were all under attack or that they too might be attacked and abused when they were off with their dad and I wasn't there. So my children had a challenging, challenging childhood and I yeah, I get very emotional about that because it's it is so incredibly impactful domestic violence and intimate partner violence and what that does on a human being and especially children. So, you know, I protected as best as I could, in the mind frame that I was in. Could have I done a better job? Absolutely, Absolutely, and that is something I live with every day. Yeah, yeah.

Beverley Glazer: 10:20

How did you get out, Carol? Because you did. You saved yourself and you saved the children. How did you do that?

Carol Metz-Murray: 10:28

different types of attempts to take me out was one day my then-husband said to me because I had said to him I was getting a divorce and he came to me with gun in hand and said there's only one way to deal with this. It's I take you out and then I'll do myself in. And I just went oh my God, and I was able, with the help of Source, the help of God, whatever you call it to calm myself down and talk myself out of that, and that, though, was a pivotal point. I knew I needed to get us out. Enough was enough, because it was just going to go downhill from there, so I fled.

Beverley Glazer: 11:45

You just fled? Yes, you built yourself up, you worked. You worked in a government job. Tell us about that, because now you were a single mom with these children about that, because now you were a single mom with these children.

Carol Metz-Murray: 12:11

Well, I and again going through all of the and I'll just say it, the crap that I went to the, that violence-filled marriage, I was able to establish a career in working in local government, which I truly loved because it was leadership and it was serving others, it was serving the public fled the marriage. I also, in essence, fled the local community and ended up a good distance from where we originally lived and it was, you know, there. It was in a new community, a new environment, thoroughly enjoying working with the elected officials and the community, very fulfilling to be able to help make a difference, whether it be in services, whether it be in recreation, whether it just be in listening to people and hearing people's concerns, and I love that. I truly, truly love that While I was there, I also had the opportunity to be part of a new program being offered through the territorial government and that was to work on my Master's of Public Administration. So that, to me, was a gift, because that was actually on my bucket list.

Carol Metz-Murray: 13:50

However, you know, working in that environment and because I had built up my career and because of the trauma from childhood and from my adult life, all of that combined and me thinking and believing I wasn't enough and I wasn't worthy. I had put in place behaviors that were negatively impacting me. And the big one the coping skill was becoming a workaholic where I needed to prove to everybody that I could be everything that they thought I could be, instead of me believing I could be it for me. So that road that I was traveling was a road that would eventually have a big, big pothole in it, and that pothole found me. Even though I was working in something that was giving me so much fulfillment in being in service to others and I was working towards finalizing my master's degree. My body and spirit and mind said Carol, you can't go on, you just can't. Too much, it's too much, yeah.

Beverley Glazer: 15:34

Remarkably, you told me this story about meeting a childhood friend in Vancouver. Tell the listeners that story.

Carol Metz-Murray: 15:51

I will start, beverly, by saying that there are no synchronicities and, in essence, when things are to happen for us, they happen. I was invited to an event in Vancouver I live in the suburbs and before I entered the door of that event I said to myself who will I know here tonight? I walked in and I looked around the room and the only person I knew was the individual who had asked me to the event, or so I thought. At the end of the event, this woman came up to me and she said I used to know a Carol Metz. I looked at her, I didn't recognize her, I didn't recognize her name, and so my face obviously gave that away. She said you don't know me.

Carol Metz-Murray: 16:53

I said well, we went to school together, in the one-room schoolhouse, and then it was oh my, it had been years since we had seen each other years and we stood there and looked at each other and just immediately got into this conversation, like we were back in public school. And as we're talking, out of her mouth comes I was sexually assaulted as that little girl, and I looked at her and my response was and who was the perpetrator? And out of her mouth comes the name that I was actually waiting for and expecting. And I looked at her and I said and so was I, and for me, just standing there in that moment, and for me, just standing there in that moment, it was what a weight had to lift off of my shoulders to know that really and truly, I wasn't crazy, I hadn't made this up, this really did happen to me.

Carol Metz-Murray: 18:21

Somebody else also experienced this, and that brought us even closer together. And then she looked at me and said I've never shared this with anyone. You are the first person. And I just stood there and my brain's calculating the years since we had seen each other and I went, wow, wow, that was over 45 years ago. So we never, ever know when truth will be revealed. And that for me also, it gave closure and it really gave me a deep sense of getting into me to forgive me at a really deep core, at a really deep core, and also really put out prayers and healing energy to all others who may also have been impacted. But we never, ever know, beverly, when and how things are going to be revealed.

Beverley Glazer: 19:39

Yeah, and when did you discover coaching, Carol?

Carol Metz-Murray: 19:45

Well, I discovered coaching in the early 2000s and I discovered that in my journey as discovering the naked leader it was, you know, when I hit that pothole and fell in, then really, I had to pick myself up and begin to discover, well, who was I? And in that discovery I discovered coaching and that was like a huge door opening and it was like, yes, yes, this is, this is a part of me. So, in essence, I stepped onto the path of becoming a certified coach and also working with coaches to help me move my path forward. And what a gift it is such a beautiful gift to be able to work with individuals to help them unstuck their story and to help them to reconnect with who they are. So, again, truly blessed that that came into my life.

Beverley Glazer: 20:59

Yes, what can you tell the listeners right now who identify with your story and feel silenced and they're not good enough?

Carol Metz-Murray: 21:14

I will tell anyone who identifies with my story and they have this feeling inside that they're not good enough, that they're constantly no, that they're constantly no. You're constantly working at proving who you are. You are enough, you are absolutely enough and you are worthy and, in essence, be who you are, not who someone else thinks you ought to be, because you have greatness inside of you and you have a light to shine. So let go of the not enough. Take it off of your shoulders, send it to the back of the bus. You don't need it anymore because you are you.

Beverley Glazer: 22:06

Thank you. Thank you, carol. Carol Metz-Murray is the founder of the Naked Leader Institute, a transformational coach, a mentor, a speaker, a consultant and a five-time collaborative international best-selling author. She is a domestic violence survivor and she suffered early childhood trauma. Carol brings experience, resilience and decades of leadership insight to help others discover their voice and live their full potential.

Beverley Glazer: 22:40

Here are a few takeaways from this episode. Your past is not a prison. Don't let it define you. You can reclaim your voice, no matter how long it's been suppressed, and when you strip away the masks, you step into who you really really are. If you've been relating to Carol's story, here are a few actions that you could do right away. Identify a role or an expectation that you're ready to let go of. Reach out to a coach, to a therapist, a support group or one safe person and tell them something you've never said before. And start small, but it always helps to say it out loud. For similar episodes on Breaking the Silence, check out episode 114 and 133 of Aging with Purpose and Passion. And if you've been navigating a complex journey of caring for a loved one with dementia, dementia fading memories is a podcast that offers clear, compassionate guidance on everything from communication to managing stress, to coping with grief. That link will be in the show notes below. And so, carol, where can people find me on the internet, on my website?

Carol Metz-Murray: 24:08

which is carolmatzmurraycom. They can find me on LinkedIn and my handle there is carolmatzmurray. It is the same on Facebook, both professionally the personal page and the professional page, and they can find me on Instagram @Carolmetz2718, and at Twitter @ Carolmetz.

Beverley Glazer: 24:38

Terrific. And all these links are in the show notes and they'll be on my site, too. That's reinventimpossiblecom. And so, my friends, what's next for you? Are you just going through the motions or are you living a life that you truly love? Get my free guide to go from stuck to unstoppable. And where do you think those are? They're in the show notes, too. You can connect with me, Beverly Glazer, on all social media platforms and in my positive group of women on Facebook. That's Women Over 50 Rock, and thank you for listening. Have you enjoyed this conversation? Please subscribe and help us spread the word by dropping a review and sending it to a friend. And remember you only have one life, so live it with purpose and passion.

Speaker 1: 25:37

Thank you for joining us. You can connect with Bev on her website, Reinventimpossiblecom and, while you're there, join our newsletter Subscribe so you don't miss an episode. Until next time, keep aging with purpose and passion and celebrate life.