When Success No Longer Feels Like Your Own

Announcer 0:07

Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion, a podcast designed to inspire your greatness and thrive through life. Get ready to conquer your fears. Here's your host, psychotherapist, coach, and empowerment expert, Beverley Glazer.

Beverley Glazer 0:34

What happens when the life you've worked so hard for isn't what you thought it would be? Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion. I'm Beverley Glazer, a work and life transition coach and reinvention strategist for women over 50. And you can find me and this podcast at reInventimpossible.com. These conversations feature exceptional women who have navigated tough transitions and redefined success on their own terms. We don't sugarcoat our struggles here. We learn from them, grow through them, and discover what's possible on the other side. My guest today is Barb Scala, attorney, mediator, entrepreneur, author, speaker, and the creator of Seeds for Success Framework. From building a thriving law practice and businesses to navigating divorce, burnout, and the pressures of living up to everyone else's dreams, Barb discovered that success without alignment leaves you feeling trapped. When everyone thinks you've got it all together, and you're thinking, if only they knew, this conversation is for you. And stay with us till the end, and I'll share key takeaways and simple actions, and you can begin for yourself today. And as you're listening, if you find yourself thinking that's me, well, let's have a conversation about what's next for you. You'll find that link in the show notes too. So, Barb, welcome.

Barb Scala 2:13

Well, thank you so much, Bev. I'm so happy to be here today.

Childhood Messages About Success

Beverley Glazer 2:18

Barb, take us back. Uh, what was life like for you growing up?

Barb Scala 2:24

Growing up, wow. Growing up. Part in fairy tale land and part in a household that was a little volatile. So it had a mix of worlds in uh in an affluent part of the country in the Northeast and Connecticut. So there were a lot of mixed signals going on.

Beverley Glazer 2:48

Yes, and and you came from a family that was all in business. What messages did you ever receive about success?

Barb Scala 2:59

Be an owner of your own business. Uh, don't work for anyone else. Uh, you can oddly enough, I did not come from the you've got to, yes, you've got to work hard, but you know, when you're an owner, you open the door when you want to. Uh so it was, I feel different messaging than my peers got. They were like, you know, climb the ladder, do this. But then uh it all turned around when I came back from college. I was working in corporate America for a short time. And I said, I want to get my MBA, and that was more like, why don't you just become a lawyer? Um, I was like, wow, never thought of that. Uh okay. Why not? Right. Well, when you're kind of uh tempted in in ways where you're gonna be comfortable, your education's gonna be paid for, things like that. You you think about it and you're like, gee, I I guess I never really thought of that. Well, I never thought of that for a reason because I was never aligned to it.

Why She Stayed on a Career Path That Felt Wrong

Beverley Glazer 4:18

Right. And but you did it, and you went right through law school. You didn't quit.

Barb Scala 4:23

I wanted to. Oh yeah. A month or so after I started, I I I came to my parents and I said, I'm I want to quit. And they said, you know, take the weekend off, really think hard about it. And I finish things that I start. So I want to finish. And so I started part-time, which if anyone's gone to law school that's listening, it's a you typically a three-year program. I started my first year part-time, so I had, you know, I was like on a four-year track, and I finished in two and a half years because I wanted to get out so bad.

Beverley Glazer 5:03

And you also describe yourself as a good girl. You wanted to please.

Barb Scala 5:09

Oh, yes. Of course. The whole law school thing was about pleasing for sure. We're good girls. We wanna we wanna do what we're expected to do, live up to our responsibilities.

Beverley Glazer 5:26

And yeah, and then you got married and you did all the right things, and then you were hit with a divorce, which completely blindsided you. And how did that happen? Because then your world crumbles.

Barb Scala 5:42

Yes, my world does crumble. Um, how

Divorce, Identity Loss, and Starting to Question Everything

Barb Scala 5:46

did how did I get blindsided?

Beverley Glazer 5:48

Yeah, the whole thing. Like, what happened to Barb here?

Barb Scala 5:52

Oh, what happened to Barb? Barb was in a boxer than a boxer, then a boxer, then a box. You don't like those Russian cradle dolls. I felt like, who the heck am I? I I didn't, my identity was so so lost because I was trying to please everyone. I was listening to what everyone thought I should do. And you know, I can't blame them. I wasn't making those decisions for myself, those critical decisions. Um, I I didn't know. Honestly, I didn't know I had a choice.

Beverley Glazer 6:36

And you did the right thing, but you stepped out of law and then you went into real estate.

Barb Scala 6:44

Well, yes. When the kids were young, I I yes, I was a I was a top producer actually. Um and uh so you know, got a real strong sales background, did very well with that. But again, that is very transactional. Uh, very transactional. And I was like, I'm I'm more about, and when I have a conversation with somebody, I don't want to just chit-chat. I want to, I want to dive in deep. What makes you tick? What are you all about? So that's how I wanted my work to be, and I wasn't finding that.

Beverley Glazer 7:25

So what was next for Barb?

Building a New Identity Through Entrepreneurship

Barb Scala 7:29

Next was a divorce that um I mean, I did the real estate when the kids were young, and I tried to do it as a single mom, but that was pretty hard, right? So I started to create a lifestyle brand. And uh based on my bloom, women blooming, it actually was going to be an online magazine back in the day when that's what we talked about online magazines. We talked about online radio shows. I had one. Uh so I was really, you know, ahead of my time, so I've been told, on these type of things. And uh I was doing events, I was doing lots of things with women, and then I was like, well, it's all about really healthy living, and one blooming is all about being your best self and living your best life. So I love to cook and I love to garden, I love all these things. So I started then spreading out in that territory, and I was kind of like, well, Martha Stewart was right next door in the town next door, uh, in in one in her Westboard days, and uh which I would bump into where she didn't know me from you know anyone, but um Martha would pop in in here because we live lived within a four or five mile radius of each other. But I like to say like I was the local Martha Stewart that was on local TV and I was whipping up things and and doing things that uh in my own style, um, I'm that healthy, best life living type of brand.

Beverley Glazer 9:19

And when did that stop?

When Burnout Made Success Impossible to Ignore

Barb Scala 9:22

That stopped when I burned out.

Beverley Glazer 9:25

Ah. So you did too much.

Barb Scala 9:29

I was everywhere 7 a.m. up in Hartford at a show, uh, you know, um 8 a.m. down in New Haven for a spot. Um, can you come in? Can you come in tomorrow? Because we're shuffling around the schedule, sure. And then I'd have to whip something up and you have to go shopping. It's like it's it's like a whole week prep. And I then, oh Barb, we'd love you to come to and do a presentation at our um at our company or at our store. And I was whipping up things in different cooking stores, and I was like, what's going on? And it was getting farther and farther away from my truth. Although, you know, one of my passions was cooking, where which I say it's not all about passions. I know I think that's kind of a controversial statement because we all have to follow our passions, but uh I found that palette uh following a passion was not was not hitting the nail on the head.

Beverley Glazer 10:38

Right, right. Well, it got out of balance, it literally got out of hand. And yes, when you hit the wall and just plain burned out, what was next for Barb?

Barb Scala 10:53

Went back to law.

Beverley Glazer 10:55

Really?

Barb Scala 10:56

Yeah. You know, at the time, I mean, I look back and I'm like, at the time, it was really, I needed something to be very familiar, I needed something to be very steady, I needed something to be very grounding. I was my own breadwinner. I was I was my own person. Uh, so I was the only one bringing income in and I had to rely on that. And I was I income and producing money was up and down and up and down. So I that was part of the burnout as well. So I needed something steady, and yes, I I say I retreated into my comfort zone, uh, but for a while it was I needed to become a little comfortable.

Beverley Glazer 11:49

Yes, I'd say more stable.

Barb Scala 11:51

Yeah, stable, secure, yeah. And I was good at it. And I quickly started my one woman law firm and did very, very well. I had good connections from the real estate world, so that all just fit into place nicely, but the little whisper never went away.

Beverley Glazer 12:15

Tell us about that.

The Whisper That Will Not Stop

Barb Scala 12:17

It just kept getting louder and louder and louder, and it was like, this is great. You're you know, your life isn't just about doing, it's just not about doing one transaction after another, it's about not only making a difference, it's not only about being your best self, it's not only about your own financial security and independence, it's not only about being of service, it's it's it's all of that. It's it's it's making a difference and being fulfilled myself. So it's about inward, it's about the the inner self feeling aligned with the outer self, and that hadn't happened my entire life. Yeah.

Beverley Glazer 13:11

So what we're talking about really is what you say all the time, you have to be aligned with who you are, and that's all about Bloom. Tell us about Bloom.

The BLOOM Framework for Redefining Success

Barb Scala 13:23

Well, Bloom is um my my C's for success framework. It's um an acronym that I really live my life by. Um the the first choice we make this have the acronym B-L-O-O-M to believe. Um, and I and I've had a trajectory with this, with this Bloom acronym. It used to be different things because I hadn't made my paradigm shift. So it was about be positive. That was from the good girl world. Be positive, be, be pod, be positive. But it's about believe. It's about what do you believe in now? What do you want to believe in? What what what are you what is the belief? What choice can you believe in? Which gives you a clue to the next letter L is to let go. If we know, I will often talk to women who have beliefs that are very solid. And why isn't this manifesting for me? Because the limiting beliefs, the staying tied to old identities, uh labels, roles hasn't been let go of yet. So L let go is really crucial. This release, this shedding phase. And these things are continual. It's not like, oh, once I believe, I believe. Once I let go of this, it's gone. And no, this is a continual cycle to circle. And I like to say we're rooting deeper, so we keep kind of corkscrewing down and down and down. And then um, and then the first O is for own your value. What I didn't feel like when I felt uh after my divorce, when I felt blindsided by it and all my and I felt like that box within a box within a box person, my self-worth was really at its lowest point. So I I like to say I had to re rehabilitate myself to get to a point where I could own my value, and owning our value is so crucial because the one word I hear from women I work with, once we drill down to it, they literally say the same couple of words. I'm not worthy of that, I don't think I'm worthy of that. I don't who who am I? They'll say, Who am I to do? And all these same phrases I hear, and I know there's like an epidemic out there of what's going on for the high achieving women. She is really locked in this state of unworthiness. So she puts her good girl, she tries, she she she hustles, she she's positive, she's L used to be love what you do. I've got to. M used to be make it happen. I've got to make it happen. I've got to pound this round peg into a square hole, or vice versa. And so when we're owning our value, it you it it it used to be, and just kind of owning your power, but when I pinpointed that value, that worthiness piece, that's the cornerstone of everything. And then the next O is about optimizing our energy. Our energy, there's a test in there. Whatever drains you means you are not aligned. Whatever energizes you is the is the the light or the the the flow to follow. Uh but women, ticket typically high achieving women, tend to say, I'm not good at this, so this is what I'm gonna work on. Instead of wow, this is this is what energizes me. I'm gonna keep going here. Uh and then the MS, like I said, um, manifest. Um used to be make it happen. It's it's manifesting and manifesting. I don't want to throw at that term as a woo-woo term, although I can do woo-woo, I always say. Um, I don't want to think of it as like magic. Manifesting is aligned intentional action. And the high achiever loves that because then she can do, but we have to be first. We have to do that that model of being, having, and doing as opposed to the flip-flop. And when we do that, we really get into alignment, and it's really identity alignment that I'm talking about.

How to Leave the Golden Handcuffs Without Blowing Up Your Life

Beverley Glazer 18:31

Yes, but it's so hard to let go, Barb. If you're in a position, as you know, that pays you well, that pays the bills, that creates the lifestyle that you become very accustomed to, you're held on with those golden handcuffs. What would you tell that person that is very good at what she does, but can't let go? Every day is a drain, her energy is down. What would you tell her?

Barb Scala 19:04

I would tell her first to really look at what the drain is doing to her health, her well-being. We've got many buckets. We've got emotional well-being, we've got financial well-being, we've got physical, emotional well-being, spiritual well-being. If that financial bucket is the only one that's being filled up, what's going on with all the other buckets? They're usually leaking or running dry. And so we can have, we know we can have a lot of money, and I love money. I want a lot of money. I have, you know, money comes in. I love it. It's energy. But the truth is, if that's the only bucket that's being filled, then you're out of balance, out of alignment. And I would I go back to Martha Stewart. You can be almost the richest woman of the world, and you're you're cooking and you're making pies. Um, and and Martha, if you're listening out there, I mean that with all due respect. Uh, you can go from um being someone who does a cooking class and uh or you know, in in the stratosphere like someone like Martha. So we see different ends of the spectrum. It's when do you want to get on that trajectory when you are fully aligned? The universe is not going to let you dig yourself into a horrible hole. But however, be prepared for to cross a desert for a while. Be prepared, it doesn't happen overnight. Be prepared to maybe dip into savings, to to have some sort of a comfort or security or safety net there so that you're not running in fear of money, you or or your side hassle. Or what I did, I ramped down in the law. I went from my volume from here to here. I actually raised my prices. So I was working with fewer people, but now my prices rate raised so that I found some form and substance to it that makes sense so I could work on the other part of my life.

Beverley Glazer 21:56

Yes. So what I'm hearing is you don't have to do it all at once. It's baby steps to make the transition to be the person that you really want to be. Be aligned with yourself. Thank you so much, Barb. Barb Scala is an attorney, mediator, entrepreneur, speaker, coach, and co-author of Sanity Savers: Tips for Women to Live a Balanced Life. Today she helps women through Seeds for Success, which is her framework, and she helps build lives that reflect who you actually are, not who you're supposed to be. Here's some quick takeaways from this episode.

Key Takeaways and Practical Next Steps

Beverley Glazer 22:38

Being good at something doesn't mean that's where you're supposed to be. Success means very little if you're not aligned with who you are. And your next chapter is about letting the real you shine. If you've been identifying with this episode, here's some things that you could do for yourself right now. Ask yourself, does the life that you're living still fit the person that you are? Stop asking, what should I do? And start asking what feels right for me and give yourself permission to let go of one expectation that no longer serves you. You don't have to change your whole life, just as Barb said. Just take one small step towards the person that you are becoming. For similar episodes on aging with purpose and passion, please check out Success, Burnout, and What Really Matters, that's episode 184. And when success no longer fits, that's episode 182. And if you're going through some difficult times right now, the Dementia Decoded Podcast with Jennifer Fink is a masterclass for the working family caregiver. That's podcast.show fading memories. And so Barb, where can people find you, please? What are your links?

Barb Scala 24:05

Well, my website is bloomwithbar.com. I'm on LinkedIn, Barb Scala, S-C-A-L-A. I'm on Instagram, Bloom with Barb. I'm on YouTube, Bloom with Barb. Uh so you can find me on Facebook with BloomwithBarb. I'm not as active in some of those platforms as I am. I would say LinkedIn is where I'm I'm really, really active. And certainly you can find out all about me on my website.

Beverley Glazer 24:37

Terrific. Barb Scala's links are in the show notes, and they're also on my site too. That's reinventedpossible.com. And so, my friends, what's next for you? Are you wondering what's possible for yourself too? Well, we can map that out together, and you'll find that link in the show notes and on reinventedpossible.com. And if this conversation spoke to you, please add us to your playlist, share it with a friend who may need it right now. And remember, you only have one life, so live it with purpose and passion.

Announcer 25:21

Thank you for joining us. You can connect with Bev on her website reinventimpossible.com. And while you're there, join our newsletter. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode. Until next time, keep aging with purpose and passion. And celebrate life.